No one knows what the body can do. -Spinoza

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Walker, Chickens, and the Power of a Plastic Horse

There you are in a denim button-up shirt, and jeans that are intensely tight through the entire pelvic region, but loose below the knee so you can pull on your boots. No, dammit. They are not bell bottom jeans. They are BOOT LEG. Boot leg jeans. You've got on a brown leather belt with leather so thick it almost won't turn around the curve of your hips, but it's held together by an enormous, round silver and turquoise belt buckle you got from an old Navajo woman that gave it to you in exchange for the help you gave her family during last year's flood. You tried to refuse, saying you were just doing your duty, ma'am. But she looked at you with her eyes, and you could feel, like magic, that that buckle had been made for you years before when, in a vision, she'd seen you were coming.

The sleeves are rolled up on your denim shirt cause you mean business. You're getting ready to hop in your jeep and drive off to where god, and that magic buckle tell you you're needed. But it turns out you're wearing the wrong kind of 80's attire. You're supposed to be wearing primary colors, and pants you've cut and restitched so the ankles are tight. The zombie chickens are pissed, and they're coming to get you. There they peck over the crest of that sand dune hill in the distance, gobbling their way after your feet. You should be terrified. Any normal person would be. But the chickens have crested the hill and they've stopped. Why? Because you're standing there. Standing in your denim shirt, and your cowboy boots, ready to roundhouse kick the un-living crap out of them. You've been given the power of Chuck Norris. And those zombie chickens know, all you gotta do is look at 'em.

Wanna know why Chuck Norris wears that hat? Cause I roundhouse kicked the top of his head off. Not in some brutal Kill-Bill-with-a-sword-and-down-to-the-brain type way. Just the top several layers of skin so his hair don't grow. My roundhouse kick is precise. Sharp enough to make sure sweet Chuck-chuck knows what's up. Tender enough to show I mean it, but I'm doing it with style.

Wanna know why Chuck Norris keeps that beard? Cause I told him he better. And Chuck-chuck listens to me.

Wait. Don't you call him Chuck-chuck. Only I do that. And now that you know what I can do with a kick, you better listen.

After getting the message I'd been handed this new blog award, I was quite literally reveling in the sheer power that has been passed to me via Chuck. I thought, man, now I can go to class and bust open my students' brain by just walking into the room. Now I can make the whole world dress better just by waking up every morning. Now when the weather people say it's gonna snow all day for four days and shut down the town, I can just walk out to the highway and stand there, and all the roads will clear. Even the snow knows better than to mess with Chuck.

After receiving this blog award, I recalled that at the age of 18 one summer in the remote tundra coastline of Alaska I found myself so bored while waiting for the salmon run to come in (I grew up commercial fishing for salmon with my family in Bristol Bay, and the thing about salmon is they don't really do what they're told. So when you wanna be out fishing, they be making you wait. Little brains those fish. Very precise, very tasty-making little brains.) that I spent an afternoon watching Walker, Texas Ranger! and taking notes. The great Chuck Norris was with me even then.

So, while I sort out which blogs I'm going to pass the mighty power of ol' Chuck-chuck too, here's an irreplaceable gift.

Behold! The wise words of Walker, Texas Ranger, aka Chuck Norris (all taken verbatim from my 18-year old journal):

Random female character calls out to Chuck Norris: "Stop! Texas Ranger!"
Chuck Norris Responds: "What was that you were saying about female assertiveness?"

Random female character responds to the sight of a cat walking by: "Alley cat."
Chuck Norris Responds: "The other one curiosity killed."

Events ensue...

Main female character for this episode: "If he's cute or not, if he smells, it's over." (Chuck Norris doesn't hear her say this.)

Shortly after...
Main female character for this episode: "What was that you say when a ranger makes his first case?"
Chuck Norris: "It'll do to ride the river with." (pause; woman walks away while Chuck Norris watches her leave) "I'd ride the river with her anyday." (pause, reflecting) "What is it about strong-willed women that attracts me?"

Later, the bad guys have done bad things...
Chuck Norris to Woman: "This is the part where I say you have to stay behind because it's too dangerous and you say 'no way, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't take chances.' So why don't we just cut to the chase and say you'll stay here and act as a lookout."
Woman: "Okay."
Chuck Norris: "Or, I'm just gonna come down on you real hard." (Woman confused because she'd already agreed to just stay.)

Chuck Norris stops all bad men from doing bad things.

Show ending...

Chuck Norris: "This is for you." (hands woman a plastic horse)
Woman: "What's this for?" (pause, question not answered, woman softens) "Thank you."

You see how mighty Chuck Norris is? Even steely, "strong-willed" women that don't understand him, finally can't help by do what Chuck Norris implies they should do. Clearly, this is a power we must be careful with, and so passing this award on will be no simple task.


  1. You make me smile, and my round-house kicks even better!

  2. chuck norris is the most perfect being, greater than which no other being can be conceived. existence is better than non-existence. if existence is better than non-existence, then the most perfect being, greater than which no other being can be conceived, must exist. thus, chuck norris exists.

  3. Are you sure that is the Chuck icon you meant to use, little lady? [hands you a plastic ungulate]