No one knows what the body can do. -Spinoza

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Eagles Fly Higher Than Chickens

Okay, here's the deal: you are in your black leather ankle boots, complete with decorative chain, worn over the red denim skinny jeans you can barely sit down in, and below that big shouldered primary-colored leather jacket you saved up money for so you could wear it on a date with your sweetie, when suddenly pecking after you, racing bobbled-headed down the street is a horde of zombie chickens surrounded by the most horrible smell. It's shocking, really. But how did such a situation even begin? Earlier this morning, a wealth of noxious gas exploded out of a giant bulldog's arse and the chickens of the world have all turned zombie. "Giant?" you say. Yes, giant.

You see, a delusional scientist just finished a multi-year project of genetically engineering the perfect snuggle, keep you warm, carry you, and conserve-energy-by-sleeping pet --a giant bulldog. "How could he have done such a thing?" you ask. Well, his mother, quite frankly, was always cold. Not to mention lonely. Since her husband, the scientist's father, died she found herself alone in her room much of the time, unable to stay warm since all she did in her older age now was sleep and, without her husband, no one was in her bed with her to act as her bedroom heater of love.

Stricken by the grief of first losing his father, and then watching his lonely mother shiver-shiver-shake, the scientist promised himself he'd resolve her goose-pimpled pain and design her the perfect companion. A giant bulldog, he decided --as sleep induced as her, as wrinkled as her too, warm, soft, snuggle driven, and large enough to fit from foot to head in bed beside her. Knowing too that his mom was less able or inclined to walk these days, he figured the large-sized dog could also serve as a great "in a pinch" mom carrier --she would just slide onto the dog's back and command him to walk her to where ever she needed to go. The man had his solution all planned out.

But, like any good Frankensteinian scientist --you know a biological engineer driven to design life after death as a really horrible, self-involvement response to his own ill-fated grief --he couldn't actually predict all that which would ensue.

Having developed the perfect "grow dog grow!" potion, our scientist bred that large size bulldog and delivered it to his now even more infirm mother. Only, the dog was so large, mother was able, quite literally, to sleep within the bulldog's wrinkled neck and stay warm there for days at a time. Then, one afternoon, while the woman commanded her dog to walk her out across town so she could stare at the sunset one last time, the dog took a route right past a Tyson chicken factory, and farted. The cloud of noxious gas was as large as you'd imagine the large size dog could blow, and, swallowed up by the horrible fumes, the Tyson large-breasted chickens zombiefied. Instantly. Pissed at the exploitative, chicken freedom denying manner in which they'd been cared for by Tyson, our zombie chickens set out to retaliate against their meat eating masters, and attempted to take over the world.

Such abhorrence I'm sure you can imagine only too well.

The question now though, is how do you face such a situation? There is only one way --having had the horror of noxious dog farts somehow unite with the terror of zombie chickens, we must locate a blog powerful enough to withstand the oblivion of not only either (chickens or farts) but both (chickens AND farts)! Gratefully, after much reading I've found one.

The blog award(s) goes to:

4. Phoenix Goes Eagle

The blog award(s) goes to:

1. Phoenix Goes Eagle
As if having excellent taste in fashion--Balenciaga counts among his faves--and living as a sometimes-cartoon-style illustrator, and always painter wasn't cool enough, Ben has recently moved to Columbia with his hot, and now-singing husband Hector, where the two of them have opened an art-bar venue named "22." The blog has been showcasing Ben's art since he lived still in the San Francisco Bay area, but it's also chronicled tales of his travels back home to Alaska, where he serves gyros at the Alaska State Fair, and now has developed into an account of his adjustment to life in the north of South America. His blog offers insights into cultural differences as he discovers them, gives us updates on the success of the newly opened 22, and also shares a wealth of photographs taken in a beautiful area and dynamic city. It also continues to celebrate his art, which is well worth seeing. It's quite clear that with such vibrancy phoenixgoeseagle offers the chance to clear the air and calm the poultry just in time for any of us to imagine the possibilities of storing away our bad 80's attire to don instead the best of Balenciaga.

What to wear to protect the world when you must not only mask yourself from noxious gas, but also distract the chickens with chicken like, utterly chic couture--
Vintage Balenciaga, photo by Irving Penn

Save the world indeed.

1 comment:

  1. Loved it! The best blog award honoring I have ever read! :)